I know, I've been quiet lately. I was talking with a friend today about this very thing and I have to admit, I have nothing nice to say. I'm tired of the paperchase. I'm tired of taking one step forward 10 steps back. I'm tired of doing something only to find that I did it wrong and have to do it again. So, to give you all a break, I'm going to let you in on a little something that God has been revealing to me lately.
Something huge that I have noticed in myself these days of stressful paper-gathering and child-finding, instead of running to Jesus where I know my hope lies, I have been running to the internet for answers. I write emails to agencies, I chat on the group forums, I gaze at lists of waiting children-- all expecting and hoping to hear news of something, anything remotely resembling good news on the adoption front. I put off reading a book to my little boy because "I need to finish this email and then we'll read..." I haven't been going outside to enjoy the beautiful days because "what if so-and-so gets back to me about..." I want to be doing this the right way because our little girl is out there-- waiting. But I know I am going about it all wrong. I don't want to be like this. I have things to do, boys to play with, a life to live, not to mention a prayer to pray, a Bible to read, and a relationship with the Lord to nurture.
Now that I have realized this, what should I do? I have an obvious answer, but not an easy one. Samuel and Timothy deserve more from me. DH deserves more from me. Jesus deserves more from me. So, I guess the first step is to get down on my knees. It's been a while.
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5 comments:
Courtney, I so know the place you're in. "Hold on Peyt, Mommy's almost done. . ." sounds all to familiar. I ended up being done and he was fast asleep. No hugs, no play time, no books. I think you're free to say whatever you want - nothing in life is easy. Share the "not so nice" stuff too! But, perhaps I hear a fast coming on? A fast of the internet??? Be sure to post about it so we know where you are if you do. I have not had the courage to do it yet. . .although I do set limits. Praying that you'll find peace and will spend more time looking to our Father for answers and guidance, although I'm right there with you - google can be an adoptive mom's best friend.
I can totally relate. The adoption process can so easily become all-consuming. God has been teaching me through this whole process to enjoy the time I have now with my boys. It's easy to be so focused on the adoption that I miss out on the here & now.
Courtney, What a wonderful reminder to remain balanced in all parts of our lives as God works out the details in His timing! I have enjoyed getting to know you on this journey and I look forward to hearing of your LOI very soon.
Wow. I read this three times -- it's that powerful. You brought me back to those days. There's nothing I can say to take the pain away but the fact that you can see not to miss those two little guys by looking too far ahead... you're a wonderful mom.
I hate to admit this but tonight was the first time I went three hours with no Internet -- yes, only three hours -- but I had the most calming, lovely time with the kids. I think we'll always have to remind ourselves to stop and enjoy the moment.
I am so glad I came across your blog. I have been feeling these very same things. I have never in my life spent so much time on the internet or obsessing about something, and I have slowly been losing focus of the most important things...and forgetting to turn to the person who matters most, my Heavenly Father. My close friends don't understand any of it, they haven't gone through the agony of adoption, the heartache and pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings and helping me remember to enjoy the "now" with my two little boys and to get on my knees more often.
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