I HATE roller coasters. Did you hear me??? HHHHHAAAATTTTTEEEE roller coasters. When we were in Disney's California Adventure last May with our friends, somehow, some mysterious something talked me into going on California Sreamin'. Can I just tell you what a MESS I was for about 2 hours after that ride? I was crying and shaking so badly when we got off that I sincerely thought I would pass out. And many times on the ride, I saw blackness and stars. If anyone ever wanted to torture me, that would be the way. There, now you know my Achilles Heel, you've got me.
So why do I mention any of this? Why do I choose to relive those nightmarish moments here and now in the comfort and safety of my home? Because, unfortunately, I think we've gotten ourselves onto another ride-- one that has a seemingly benign name and front. It's called Adoption. The shared list came out Sunday night and our agency got it out to us on Monday morning. I was so excited that I was shaking (hmm, sound familiar?)! I perused the list of 130 kids(!) quickly and was a bit disappointed that I saw very few children under the age of 3, most of them being boys. There was one girl, though, that I immediately asked to see the file for. Her birthdate was listed as 10/07, but our SW emailed us back saying that she was about to download the file for us when she noticed the birthdate was wrong-- it was really 10/97. Yep, 10 years difference. Which means, out of 130 kids, we did not find ONE match. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was.
Now, I understand that we have only just begun to look for our little one and I had been warned that it could take a while, but I had HOPED. I really had hoped that we would find our little girl quickly, just like everyone else. The disappointment was not dissimilar to our past experience with infertility. And this will go on once a month, so I think this will begin to feel VERY familiar. In the meantime, I need you all to remind me of what I have here and now. I know myself and I can see how easy it would be to get stuck on that ride month after month, going up and crashing down with disappointment. I don't want to do that-- I H-A-T-E roller coasters.
10 comments:
I can see how this is discouraging. And I am already queasy from the roller coaster that is leading UP TO us getting to peruse the shared list. The good news is that you know you were called to this and you know there is a girl that you will be matched to.....eventually. What I always tell myself is: maybe I'm not ready, maybe Isaac is not ready, maybe the baby in China is not ready....God still has more to do until we are all ready for this. That is what helps me. I do have to say that as someone specifically looking for a boy, I am somewhat encouraged that when and if we actually GET to the list that things will speed up a little......Keep the faith, girl, and know that when HIS time is right, you will find your daughter.
Courtney,
I am praying with you (from a car on the roller coaster further towards the back) ; )
love you!!
Shannon
I know how you feel! We went through that ride for 2 months before we found our daughter. It is an awful one. You build up so much hope only to crash again. Hang in there!
The roller coaster ride is a long hard one and is not for the faint of heart. We just have to cling to the knowledge that some day there will be end- and it will be exhilerating and worth the ride!
Krista
http://the-mayne-event.blogspot.com
Courtney,
Adoption is definitely a roller coaster ride... I am so sorry that you didn't find your little girl on the list this month. I am praying that God will sustain you through this time and that He brings you JOY in the process. That is the one thing that I continually prayed over myself through our wait... It's not easy, but God has all the grace you need. Praying for you ~
As terribly awful as it is in the moment, our trust in God's provision is built in times like this. Just think of the amazing gift of unwavering trust in Christ that you will be able to give her once she is in your arms. He loves you so much and He WILL provide...our own family's trial bears witness to His glorious scheming :-) We love you and will keep praying.
Wow hon.. I so feel for you. I am at a different stage as you know but I still get that HOPE that we will finally get some kind of phenomenal news that will rock my world and put the coaster into over drive.. NOPE! I was hoping to announce this week that
we were in the courts at least (9 months coming) but no go! So hang in there hon... I have gotten to the point I know better than to make goals but I can't help it. It keeps me alive. Don't worry.. I will hand on to you the statement of the year... "In God's perfect timing" you will find your daughter! Just keep hoping and keep looking to the hills! I have a post on my private blog that you might like to see..lol...
Sarah k
Taiwankiddo2.blogspot.com
Sorry your daughter was not on this shared list. When will ASIA be getting another agency specific list? Do you know? Good Luck. I'll be waiting and watching with you! sherri
www.letitbechina.blogspot.com
oh dear, you poor thing! I feel for you. Just know I'm praying for you and think of you so much. I wish we could just go for coffee and chat, chat, chat! If you're ever in Calgary....HA! :-) Hope you have a nice weekend.
...Carala
I completely understand this and sometimes feel the adoption UP....DOWN all in one day! I heard that with that age range, it is best to allow yourself 6 months to a year for a match with the Special Needs/Shared List program. That doesn't make it easy, and it certainly is difficult to talk yourself down from hoping that you'll be one of the families that finds your child in a matter of weeks.... but, do know that you still fall within the "norm". She *is* out there, though, and you will find her at the appointed time!
Tisra
waiting nearly 21 months for referral
http://lifetrain.blogspot.com
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