Xin nian kuai le!

Happy New Year, everybody!!

Have a blessed year of the ox!

...and BREATHE...

Just a quickie here to end this totally stressful week. We chatted with our agency, told them our woes, were very honest that we had concerns and have decided to re-do our physicals to buy ourselves some time (documents can't be more than 1 year old, ours are approaching that end of Feb). By doing this, we will extend the time we have to look for our little girl before sending in our dossier, thus not really leaving this agency per se, but staying open to the possibility of another agency finding our child. We didn't exactly get a straight answer about whether or not there would be a fee with USCIS to switch agencies, but it sounded like there wouldn't be, so we went ahead and sent in our final paper for immigration approval!! So, to make a long story short, all we have left to do is authenticate all of our documents and then we will be DONE with the paperchase, PRAISE THE LORD!!! Then, we just sit back and relax until we find our daughter (ha ha).

Thanks for all the prayers, everyone. I needed them this week and I felt really lifted up.

AUGHHHH!!! or Roller Coaster Part II

Holy Cow! The last 24 hours of my life have been a total spin of craziness. And just to put it out there, no, we have not yet found our girl. I just want to say that I SO appreciate all the uplifting and encouraging comments that folks left on the original "Roller Coaster" post. It was exactly what I needed.

For a long time now, I have been thinking about a lot of different aspects of this adoption. I've been thinking about my fears, the possibilities, the future, what life will be like, attachment and bonding issues-- all of the usual things that adoptive parents examine (my thoughts written here are really only scratching the surface). And then, I started voicing concern to a few folks that might understand. I don't even remember why or how we got started talking about it, but one person in particular started mentioning some things to think about when choosing an agency. Well, in the last 24 hours, I have come to believe that our agency may not be the right one for us... Don't get me wrong, I really like the people who work there, but I just don't know if their philosophy (among other things) exactly melds with ours. At this point, I really can't believe I'm saying this, but I am pretty certain that we are going to be switching agencies. So, now here we are, researching agencies again (as you may recall, we came to this agency in the first place because of their Taiwan program, but stayed because we wouldn't be losing any funds. We never really researched any of our other options). The ONLY thing that is holding my own mind back at the moment is the loss of the agency fees, which is a lot of money.

The other part of this is that we have to make a decision and go with it,like, NOW. I called USCIS yesterday to check on the status of our I-800A and they reported that we had been assigned an officer. YAHOO! Until I found out that if we wanted to switch, we need to do it PRIOR to immigration approval or we would be slapped with another $350 fee... the roller coaster goes UP and then it comes DOWN... So, of course I called USCIS today to say "WAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!" but I had to leave a message with our officer and she didn't call me back.

Anyway, needless to say, my stomach has been in knots all day long. DH is just fine with switching agencies and doesn't mind the large chunk of change we will be leaving behind, but as you can see, we think a little differently on money matters :)
The thing is, this whole business is a total leap of faith. I've been trying to be still and pray over it all, but I kind of feel like I am trying to rush an answer. I don't want to do anything rash-- and switching agencies without the right reasoning is pretty rash. On the other hand, we are at a critical point that needs to be addressed.

In closing, if any of you out in the adoption blog world have or have had an agency for SN that you just loved working with, please let me know! It would make my research that much easier. Thanks all you folks out there in blog-land!

My Beautiful Bean

(Sorry for the fuzzy picture-- at least now you can't see the desperate need he has for a haircut...)

Today we are celebrating the big number 4! 4 years ago, at 6:59pm exactly, our little Samuel made his entrance into our lives... and we haven't been sitting down since! He has grown into quite a character, complete with gestures and sayings that make you wonder-- "how old is this kid?!" I can't even begin to fathom that four whole years have gone by in the blink of an eye. I cherish them all and can't imagine my life without my little Beano.

Dear Bean Bean,
What a joy and a miracle that God has entrusted your care and raising to daddy and me. You are a special boy and I know that God is going to do great things in your life, if you let Him. You were singing along with a TobyMac song the other day and I realized that words you said over and over again were my prayer for you... "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul..." I pray that you find meaning in everything you do, not just doing it for monetary gain or recognition, but truly believing that the Lord is leading you to do it. I love you, baby boy. Grow big and strong and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ.
Love, Mama

Hop On to the Roller Coaster Ride

I HATE roller coasters. Did you hear me??? HHHHHAAAATTTTTEEEE roller coasters. When we were in Disney's California Adventure last May with our friends, somehow, some mysterious something talked me into going on California Sreamin'. Can I just tell you what a MESS I was for about 2 hours after that ride? I was crying and shaking so badly when we got off that I sincerely thought I would pass out. And many times on the ride, I saw blackness and stars. If anyone ever wanted to torture me, that would be the way. There, now you know my Achilles Heel, you've got me.

So why do I mention any of this? Why do I choose to relive those nightmarish moments here and now in the comfort and safety of my home? Because, unfortunately, I think we've gotten ourselves onto another ride-- one that has a seemingly benign name and front. It's called Adoption. The shared list came out Sunday night and our agency got it out to us on Monday morning. I was so excited that I was shaking (hmm, sound familiar?)! I perused the list of 130 kids(!) quickly and was a bit disappointed that I saw very few children under the age of 3, most of them being boys. There was one girl, though, that I immediately asked to see the file for. Her birthdate was listed as 10/07, but our SW emailed us back saying that she was about to download the file for us when she noticed the birthdate was wrong-- it was really 10/97. Yep, 10 years difference. Which means, out of 130 kids, we did not find ONE match. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was.

Now, I understand that we have only just begun to look for our little one and I had been warned that it could take a while, but I had HOPED. I really had hoped that we would find our little girl quickly, just like everyone else. The disappointment was not dissimilar to our past experience with infertility. And this will go on once a month, so I think this will begin to feel VERY familiar. In the meantime, I need you all to remind me of what I have here and now. I know myself and I can see how easy it would be to get stuck on that ride month after month, going up and crashing down with disappointment. I don't want to do that-- I H-A-T-E roller coasters.