I don't know when it happened, but it finally did. And it kind of took me by surprise. I thought I had it all figured out before we left for China. Little did I know-- not many folks talk about it-- it wouldn't be as easy and natural as I thought. But now I know for sure, I LOVE LILYJOY.
I say that I thought I had it all figured out before our trip because I was infatuated. I had pictures sitting in front of me of this beautiful little girl who didn't reject me or throw herself on the ground for a good cry or hit her brothers. In a sense, I had a baby-- fresh to me, no history, clean slate. But in retrospect, I can see that I was looking at it all wrong. No matter how many times I told other people or how many times I told myself that "things are not going to be easy," I, understandably, had NO IDEA what that meant. I didn't know that this crush I had on little Ping Ping would be completely rejected in China. I didn't know how that would affect how I began to feel about her. It kind of reminded me of unrequited Jr. High love! She didn't want me, so my heart began to build a wall around it for protection. It was being built without my conscious knowledge. I think I stayed that way for almost 3 months, just figuring that things would change soon, they just had to with time.
It was not until one day along the line that I realized, I hadn't said "I love you" to LilyJoy since we were in China and saying it felt very unnatural. At first I justified it thinking, of course I'll say it eventually... when it feels right. But I look back now and realize how wrong I was. A million times in my life I have heard the phrase "Love is a Choice." And I get that-- there are times that I don't really like Steve all that much, but I CHOOSE to love him. It is that same way with Samuel and Timothy. I choose to say "I love you" even when I don't feel like it, so why was I not doing it for LilyJoy. It dawned on me that I needed to make that choice for LilyJoy, too, despite the fact that the first months were sleep deprived, full of food issues, tantrums, and toddler opinions. She needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it.
So, I did it-- I started saying "I love you" on a regular basis, even when the feeling was not there and I cannot tell you what a difference it made in me. We don't hear often enough about the parent's side of bonding and attachment. I wish I had heard more about it before our trip, but who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have listened given how strong that infatuation with the picture was. Now, I have regular moments where there is even feeling that wells up and it is not just for show. I LOVE this baby girl and she IS my daughter.
