I don't know when it happened, but it finally did. And it kind of took me by surprise. I thought I had it all figured out before we left for China. Little did I know-- not many folks talk about it-- it wouldn't be as easy and natural as I thought. But now I know for sure, I LOVE LILYJOY.
I say that I thought I had it all figured out before our trip because I was infatuated. I had pictures sitting in front of me of this beautiful little girl who didn't reject me or throw herself on the ground for a good cry or hit her brothers. In a sense, I had a baby-- fresh to me, no history, clean slate. But in retrospect, I can see that I was looking at it all wrong. No matter how many times I told other people or how many times I told myself that "things are not going to be easy," I, understandably, had NO IDEA what that meant. I didn't know that this crush I had on little Ping Ping would be completely rejected in China. I didn't know how that would affect how I began to feel about her. It kind of reminded me of unrequited Jr. High love! She didn't want me, so my heart began to build a wall around it for protection. It was being built without my conscious knowledge. I think I stayed that way for almost 3 months, just figuring that things would change soon, they just had to with time.
It was not until one day along the line that I realized, I hadn't said "I love you" to LilyJoy since we were in China and saying it felt very unnatural. At first I justified it thinking, of course I'll say it eventually... when it feels right. But I look back now and realize how wrong I was. A million times in my life I have heard the phrase "Love is a Choice." And I get that-- there are times that I don't really like Steve all that much, but I CHOOSE to love him. It is that same way with Samuel and Timothy. I choose to say "I love you" even when I don't feel like it, so why was I not doing it for LilyJoy. It dawned on me that I needed to make that choice for LilyJoy, too, despite the fact that the first months were sleep deprived, full of food issues, tantrums, and toddler opinions. She needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it.
So, I did it-- I started saying "I love you" on a regular basis, even when the feeling was not there and I cannot tell you what a difference it made in me. We don't hear often enough about the parent's side of bonding and attachment. I wish I had heard more about it before our trip, but who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have listened given how strong that infatuation with the picture was. Now, I have regular moments where there is even feeling that wells up and it is not just for show. I LOVE this baby girl and she IS my daughter.
9 comments:
What a great post! Captured many of hte same feelings I had the first few months with my girl. The rejection was tough indeed.
Rejoicing with you at this milestone! I, too, have had to force myself at times to say this to Matthew....sometimes it was said through clenched teeth and a heavy heart. Learning to love is so hard when a child is coming against you with everything they have. We, too, have felt a good deal of progress this week, although a part of me has been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Praise God for his mercy!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I know so many people go through that. My experience was opposite believe it or not. I was not attached to Kacie for about 4 months. But Ty? Right away! Crazy, I know, but I do know how you feel. And then one day...it just clicks, and you know that child is yours.
Is your post-placement report coming soon? Ours was last night. Easy!
Oh this is a GOOD post.
I had the SAME EXACT situation. And yes, I do love this little girl, I had prayed and hoped and waited so long for her, why did it not come naturally? Why did she reject me? Why is it hard?
And I have to admit, it occurred to me one day, too, I haven't said I love you to her since China. Oh dear. Well, I changed that as soon as possible.
She is becoming my daughter quickly. And yes it is still hard. But my other kids had their hard moments, too. She is allowed her share.
And I have to say, even if you warn people of this, they won't get it.
Not until they walk it.
But it is a good post.
Learning to love is a process and I can say from my own experience it is a process that continues. I, too, remember when it hit me, although I can't figure out how or when. I'm still learning to love as we both grow together as Mother and daughter. Praise God that you and LJ have found love!! May it continue to flourish!
Love the honesty - beautiful post. Thank you!
Thank you for this beauitfully honest post.
What a wonderful, heart-felt post!!! Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your feelings:) I'm thrilled that things are going better and that you can say with a mommy's heart you love your little girl, the little girl that God has chosen to be your daughter:) One day at a time, that is all He ask from us and you are doing an amazing job:)
Very helpful, open and honest. I often wonder what it will be like in those first months. This is priceless. You are doing an awesome job, Mom!
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