The Blessings in Disguise

There are particular times in our lives when we stop to reflect on how precious every moment truly is. Usually we don't expect or hope for tragedy to come into our lives and force us onto our knees, but sometimes it may be just what we need. You see, my husband, S, is a sher!ff deputy working in a local contract city and-- may I just say?-- he is one of the good ones! I love the fact that he loves his job and is very good at it. This past year, he was named Off!cer of the Year in his city, then went on to become Off!cer of the Year in the precinct where he works and was even up for Off!cer of the Year for the entire county! He is well liked at work, obviously. And he has a specialty that we can ALL appreciate, that being a Drug Rec0gnition Expert, where he has taken intensive classes on how to tell what kinds of nastiness an impaired driver might be consuming. Essentially, he goes out at night to look for impaired and/or drunk drivers and, hopefully, makes a dent in the problem or, even more hopefully, makes a dent in the person's life. This is all well and good, but generally, it is as far as I like to think about what S does. All I know for sure is he loves his job.

Well, a few weeks ago, I was sleeping in my bubble of limited information about what my husband actually does when I got a mysterious knock on my door at 3am. Anyone who was a *little* more prepared may have been alarmed by this... not me. I hopped out of bed thinking that it was probably S having forgotten his key (and I didn't want him to make such a racket and wake the kids up!). I wasn't even really that alarmed at the sight of two huge, burly uniformed 0fficers (keep in mind, I am only 5'2", so huge is a relative term) standing there. Even when I heard the words, "bad accident," "collapsed lung" and "taken to Harborview [the regional trauma center for the entire Northwest]," it still didn't register what kind of problem I was facing because, after all, that bubble I lived in was all-encompassing.

When we arrived at the hospital, things began to sink in. There were tons of c0ps standing around, waiting to be useful in some way and they all had the best intentions. But I can tell you, seeing S lying on a gurney, intubated and medically sedated, I kept looking around wishing, hoping that S was one of the ones standing around, not on that gurney. It was not as if I had never seen anyone in such a condition before, I am a nurse after all. Seeing someone you love in such a vulnerable place, though, is truly humbling.

Over and over again, I was being told that he was okay, everything was going to be alright, but that's not how I saw it. Yes, S was still alive-- THANK GOD-- yes, he was not badly injured, yes, there were people there to support me, but none of them had any idea how naked I felt, suddenly living in reality outside of my warm comfortable bubble. I broke down and sobbed for the first time of many right there in the ER. Those moments are still hard to think about. And I can't quite imagine what it will be like the days he goes back to work.

In retrospect, I have a little more information and a different perspective. It is one of a little more grace, a little more mercy, a whole lot more thanksgiving, and a whole lot less living in the future. When talking to the detectives about the accident, S learned that there were so many variables working against him that the physics of the accident don't really support the reason why he is alive. Essentially, it was a miracle. And on top of that, S came out with a lot of bruises, a few scratches, three broken ribs and THAT IS IT. He has recovered almost all of his lung function and will continue to do so until he is completely healed. If you ever needed a more clear example of Psalm 91, I think we have it here.

So, we've been shaken up a bit. Even after almost 10 years of marriage, I feel stronger than ever before. LilyJoy (and Samuel and Timothy) has gotten to spend lots of concentrated time with her daddy, which she has so desperately needed. We have seen a side of the law enforcement community that is just amazing!! I still haven't had to make a single dinner since the accident on October 5th! They really take care of each other. And I can see that I am needed in that community as well-- how would this experience have been different if the spouses of the other off!cers had been living inside a bubble? I still have some facing fears to do, but I am working on it. And everyday, I am so thankful he's still around.

A Moon Story at a Particularly Appropriate Time of Year

Happy Autumn Moon Festival! I realize that I am a day late, but the moon is still around, so don't forget to gaze and admire its beauty.

I don't know what it is about the moon, but my sweet little LilyJoy has become quite enamored by it. This summer, we were coming home on the Light Rail from a parade in Seattle and it was fairly late in the evening. When LJ gets tired, she gets HYPER, so I needed a way to calm her quickly or she was going to run the length of the train. I grabbed her and held her close and pointed at the huge, round moon out the window. I kid you not, she was STILL, instantly. She sat and stared at the moon for a good 10 minutes while I quietly sang a hand full of moon songs that I know. Ever since that day, Little Joy loves to sing "I see the M00n (the m00n sees me)" to herself, especially when she finds the moon outside. Her little song sounds like "Nah nee moon, Nah nee moon, nah nee moon..." and then she hums the same tune, cutest thing you've ever heard.

Well, for the last few nights as we were getting her ready for bed, LJ kept looking out the window before the shade was drawn and saying "mine see moon! mine see moon!" and then the song would ensue. From my viewpoint, I looked out the window and saw nothing but clouds and kind of acknowledged her imagination, but brushed it off. Finally, the other day, I was on the floor with her in her room, changing her diaper and she said it again. I looked up out the window and realized she was looking at the reflection of the light in her room on the window! She has her own little moon to gaze at and adore. Sweet Little Joy.

First Day of Kindergarten

My sweet itty bitty Beano, my little first newborn son got big! I'm not sure how it happened, but I guess that is the bittersweet point of being a parent after all. Samuel started his first day of Kindergarten yesterday. He was such a big boy and I couldn't be more proud of him. I decided that just for the first day, I would walk him into his classroom and help him find where his bag needs to go and where he would sit. He got himself all settled in, intently doing a dot-to-dot picture and I figured it was my time to exit. I told him this and without even looking up from his picture, he said, "Bye mom!" and kept right on coloring. Of course I grabbed him and gave him a big kiss and a hug! I only cried briefly in the car and the day went on. Little Mr. Independent!

1 WHOLE YEAR

So hard to believe, but true enough, we celebrated having LilyJoy in our arms for one year today! While we still have a long way to go, I think about how far we've come and I'm inspired, it really is what keeps me coming back for more. I remember thinking when we first got home, "I wonder what this will be like in one year?" And now we know :)
I do think that it is important to continue to reflect on where we have come from, so that on the hard days, we remember that we are indeed going forward. LJ still struggles with her relationship with her daddy (interesting, given that he was to only one she wanted anything to do with for the first month or so with us), but we are starting the long journey of reading what we can, asking questions and trying to make that important connection. She and I also have a bit of a roller coaster relationship as well, where we both begin to feel insecure every few weeks, but the between stretches are getting longer and the hard times less intense. She has also just recently started to give me spontaneous hugs and kisses, completely of her own accord, which of course I can't get enough of!

She still loves to drive her brothers crazy, especially Timothy, but what youngest child doesn't (asks this youngest child :))?

We look forward to the future, but *try* to enjoy where we are now, as hard as that may be at times. And we just continue to love our Little Joy... happy Forever Family Day, little one!!

A Wonderful Article on Finding Self

I love reading articles/letters/books written by adoptees exploring the process they are going through to find who they are and I thought some of you might also be interested. This is one such article from Rainbowkids, written by a young woman who happens to be from Jiangxi Province in China (same as LilyJoy). I can't wait to hear LilyJoy's story as she grows.

Busy Being a Family

Hello to all my friends out in blogland! I have been away from writing and even more unfortunately, reading on all the blogs that I held so dear during my wait. I guess that is just what can happen when you're busy being a family :).

One major even that occurred during my absence was my brother's wedding in Mexico to a gorgeous Guadalajara gal. We had so much fun, despite the fact that I was very nervous about the travel with 3 young kids part (which actually turned out to be way less of a big deal than I ever thought!) and the fact that my husband and Timothy got so sick right after the pictures and right before the wedding (and then proceeded to pass it on to every one of us in turn). So, the short summary of the trip is this: we flew to Puerto Vallarta and stayed one night, took a 4 hr bus ride to Guadalajara, attended the wedding, stayed 2 nights, took a bus ride back to PV and stayed there for a week. And while you may think that the PV part was the highlight of the trip, I would actually say it was the hospitality and fun that we had with my new sister-in-law's family! I really believe that there is nothing like being with people who are from the country you are visiting to truly experience that country. And these folks were really wonderful.

The whole trip was spectacular, but it was definitely a lot of being together in the same place-- we were ready to come home. So, I'll leave you with some pictures. Enjoy!

One rare photo of all of the family-- note Timothy's look of distress (this was just before he got sick all over our taxi back to the hotel).

Samuel rifling through Auntie's purse, Timothy not feeling so well and LilyJoy "practicing" to do her hair... what a crew!

My lovely new sister-in-law and my big brother.

All the sisters (and one lone brother). SIL has 3 sisters, my brother has 2. No other boys.

On to PV!

Yet another rare photo! Just Steve and I and the green blue water... ahhhhh.

LilyJoy didn't know what to think of the ocean at first. It really took her a few days to stop clinging in fear! By the end of the trip, she was splashing and enjoying the water with the rest of us.

Desperately trying to get a family pic-- all of us are technically in it, just one being a pill in the background.

Silly Lily and her glamor glasses-- she was highly entertained by these the whole trip.

Lucy's Day of Prayer

Reposted with permission by the author of 1001 Tears

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. –Psalms 139:13-14

The outcry for Lucy has been awesome. But ASIA is still looking for a family who already has their paperwork done to step forward and claim Lucy has their forever daughter.

Lucy’s best chance to survive is to come home and have lifesaving open-heart surgery with a mommy and daddy to support and care for her. Lucy has a long road ahead of her. She may even need a heart transplant.

Lucy needs a miracle.

I cannot stand by and do nothing for this child. Like so many others, though, we are not in a position to adopt again right now. But I can pray for her. I can pray for a family to step forward.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we as a community could come together and cover Lucy with prayer for 24 hours? Wouldn’t it be amazing to see what God can do through this child?

Honestly, I don’t know how God will answer our prayers. I don’t know how Lucy’s life will end up. But what I do know is God will not turn his back on Lucy. She is not alone. While we may not understand it, her life has a purpose.

Will you join me on your knees in prayer for Lucy? Will you pray:

That a family will step forward and claim her as their daughter? Will you pray that once the family submits their letter of intent that China and the United States will expedite all their paperwork and they can hold Lucy in record time?

Will you pray for peace for this extraordinary family? Will you pray that even though Lucy has significant medical challenges ahead of her that they will find strength and support they never imagined.

Will you pray for Lucy? Pray she remains strong. Pray she can hold on for just a little while longer until her mommy and daddy find her.

The 24 hour prayer chain for Lucy will be on Thursday, March 18 starting at 6:00 am and will end on Friday at 6:00 am. If you can commit just one hour of your time, please list it in the comment section of the blog. Please list the hour you’ll be praying and where you’re from. I hope people all around the world will pray for Lucy.

Please help to get the word out by reposting this on your blog, yahoo groups, and facebook pages. Please have people link back to my blog (www.1001tears.blogspot.com) to comment, so we can see just how many people love and care for Lucy.

I think God has amazing things in store for this child. Please be a part of it.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.--John 14:18

FINALLY!!

Our Little Joy gave us so much to celebrate last month, we had to take a bit of time to breathe! We celebrated a birthday, 6 whole months of being home and the Lunar New Year, all in the same week!! Here are a few pics of all that we did.

We had the opportunity to celebrate the Lunar New Year a little early at a local church that has an amazing Asian community, including a huge population of adoptive families of Asian children. The event was HUGE and we were a little overwhelmed, but I could see it being fun in a few years. LJ and Samuel were all dressed up in their "dragon clothes" as Samuel calls them.




A few days later, our little Miss celebrated her 2nd birthday!! We had a little party with her Bana and Papa and a very pink cake. She seemed to know that it was her very own special day and I think she really enjoyed it. Samuel decided that she needed a birthday crown, so he very thoughtfully gave up his play time at preschool to decorate her crown. She wore it ALL DAY LONG! We also had a bigger party in honor of her birthday, her 6 months of being home with us (can you believe it??!!), and the Lunar New Year. A great time was had by all!


We finished up that party weekend with a trip to my aunt and uncle's cabin up in the mountains. It was the only glimpse of snow that we had this year and it was very fun.

We weren't entirely certain how LilyJoy felt about the sledding experience, but she didn't seem to want to get out, so she stayed!

Otherwise, we've just been having fun together as a family. LilyJoy and I are doing great and Steve and LJ's relationship has also improved a ton just over the past probably 2 weeks. It has been so strange how she completely flipped the way she felt about us. I guess it just goes to show us that our experience in China was just not "real" life-- something that would be very good to remember when you're in the situation in China.

*VERY* briefly...

Yep, I'm more than way behind. We had so much to celebrate last month that I was a bit overwhelmed. And I was even going to write something interesting tonight with pictures, but then my camera battery died and I couldn't get my pictures off! *sigh* I'll try and update you all within the next week...

Check, Check: One of My Many Projects

In high school, I took German as my foreign language and was extremely blessed to have to participated in a German/American exchange program. In my senior year, my exchange partner Meli came to visit Washington and then in the summer after graduation, I went with a group to visit Meli and a few of her friends. It was one of those times in my life that I will never forget. And while not everyone in our group necessarily got along with their exchange partners, Meli and I hit it off like we had always known each other. We stayed up late laughing and talking-- Meli spoke much better English than I spoke German, thank heavens, because we can still communicate today, 14 years later and still halfway across the world.

So, all of this is a long-winded way of saying, she recently had her first baby, a precious DARLING little princess. And, of course, when my sister and I hear of someone close having a baby, a quilt is a requirement. I have been wanting to share this one for a loooooooong time. My sister and I started it about a year ago and had many big gaps of not working on it, but we finally finished officially and sent it off a few weeks ago. It is my favorite quilt to date. So, without further ado, the princess and her quilt:



And now that this one is done, you'd think I would have some time to work on LJ's 100 good wishes quilt wouldn't you...? We shall see :)

Learning to Love LilyJoy

I don't know when it happened, but it finally did. And it kind of took me by surprise. I thought I had it all figured out before we left for China. Little did I know-- not many folks talk about it-- it wouldn't be as easy and natural as I thought. But now I know for sure, I LOVE LILYJOY.

I say that I thought I had it all figured out before our trip because I was infatuated. I had pictures sitting in front of me of this beautiful little girl who didn't reject me or throw herself on the ground for a good cry or hit her brothers. In a sense, I had a baby-- fresh to me, no history, clean slate. But in retrospect, I can see that I was looking at it all wrong. No matter how many times I told other people or how many times I told myself that "things are not going to be easy," I, understandably, had NO IDEA what that meant. I didn't know that this crush I had on little Ping Ping would be completely rejected in China. I didn't know how that would affect how I began to feel about her. It kind of reminded me of unrequited Jr. High love! She didn't want me, so my heart began to build a wall around it for protection. It was being built without my conscious knowledge. I think I stayed that way for almost 3 months, just figuring that things would change soon, they just had to with time.

It was not until one day along the line that I realized, I hadn't said "I love you" to LilyJoy since we were in China and saying it felt very unnatural. At first I justified it thinking, of course I'll say it eventually... when it feels right. But I look back now and realize how wrong I was. A million times in my life I have heard the phrase "Love is a Choice." And I get that-- there are times that I don't really like Steve all that much, but I CHOOSE to love him. It is that same way with Samuel and Timothy. I choose to say "I love you" even when I don't feel like it, so why was I not doing it for LilyJoy. It dawned on me that I needed to make that choice for LilyJoy, too, despite the fact that the first months were sleep deprived, full of food issues, tantrums, and toddler opinions. She needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it.

So, I did it-- I started saying "I love you" on a regular basis, even when the feeling was not there and I cannot tell you what a difference it made in me. We don't hear often enough about the parent's side of bonding and attachment. I wish I had heard more about it before our trip, but who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have listened given how strong that infatuation with the picture was. Now, I have regular moments where there is even feeling that wells up and it is not just for show. I LOVE this baby girl and she IS my daughter.

Beano's Belated Birthday Wishes

I'm so far behind, it's a disgrace. However, my little Bean turned five this last week (the 7th) and certainly deserves some recognition for that!

We decided to bite the bullet and have a preschool class birthday party-- Samuel was THRILLED! But, being as cheap as I am, we did it for free at Mickey D's! Samuel is still asking to go back and play there again, so I guess it was a success. (I did come home and eat an entire head of broccoli by myself to cleanse away the food) Samuel loved his pir*ate birthday cake and if I may say so myself, it did turn out pretty cool! Granted, if you google pir*ate cakes, there are some much more complicated ones that look amazing, but this worked fine for me. It was a LOT of work, but the whispered,"whoooooooa!" when Samuel saw it was worth every second :)


We had a small family party on his actual birthday and PRAISE THE LORD! we talked him into rice cri*spie treats instead! I was getting a little tired of cake as you can imagine-- I also had made one a few days before his party for my grandma who turned 93... she didn't get a pri*ate cake.

So, after Christmas and birthday, I think we are all TOYED out!! I'm planning to go through and give away a bunch of their old toys now, I just have to wait till a time when no one is looking.

Anyway, for my baby boy who is not such a baby any more, here are five things I love about you:

5. You're a bold little soul! You've growing into an assertive leader and as timid as I can be, I am SO PROUD of you.

4. You LOVE music! That just does my heart good and I can't wait to find out at your very first piano lesson next week if your passion will blossom into something greater.

3. You are one smart cookie and you drive me crazy with your intelligent questions!!!!

2. When I kiss you, you always have to make sure that it isn't too slimy :)

1. You are growing to be the boy that God had always planned for you to be... Lord, help me continue to nurture and grow this beautiful boy of mine.

Merry 5th Day of Christmas!!

I know, it feels a little late, but really, it is only the 5th day of Christmas! So, my wishing you a Merry Christmas not off target. Here's hoping that your day was filled with family, laughter, peace and joy. Here's a summary of our Christmas eve and day!

I was finally able to convince Samuel to be a sheep in the Christmas pageant this year. He did a smashing job-- baaa. His preference would have been to play ANY instrument in the band to being a sheep, but on the last song, Joy to the World, he got his wish!! He took his jingle bells out of my purse (he came prepared) and headed straight up to the front. When the band members saw him with his bells, they invited him up with them and lowered the microphone so he could sing. THAT was a Christmas wish come true!! Bummer that I didn't have the camera with me at that moment...

My Grandma (known as GG to S, T and LJ) was able to join us for church and dinner on Christmas Eve. I always feel blessed to be in her soon-to-be 93 year old presence.

LilyJoy likes to get a free ride when she can! GG is always willing to accomodate.

Can you believe that I didn't get ONE picture of our family in our Christmas clothes?? This is the only full shot of LJ in her pretty dress. Easter will be a different story...

Auntie (my sister) and Samuel being silly in their fancy hats.

Dad and Grandma.

There is no more common sight at my parent's house than the one where Bana (my mom) is reading to S and T. I think she read 10 books that night.

New Christmas jammies!!

LilyJoy's jammies have a fancy skirt that goes with it-- LOVE it!!!

Very exited about their Why-flyers from their stockings! This picture cracks me up, though, because of my telltale yawn :)

The guitar from Santa was a very big hit.

This Buzzlightyear wing pack was actually Timothy's Santa present, but he's not big on pictures right now-- Samuel jumps right in!

Good morning, little Dragon Princess! Santa came!

LJ enjoying all her Christmas gifts at once :)

Headed up the path to Bana and Papa's house, of course with Baobei in her stroller!

Steve and Dad have a disgusting tradition of smoking a pipe for about 30 seconds on Christmas Day. Unfortunately, this year was no different.

My sister, Dad and myself with Beano, Timmers and Little Joy.

Things got a little crazy toward the end of the morning after Cardamom bread, scrambled eggs and porkies to delight our bellies. Pictured here is the wrapping paper diving that ensued.

We all had a lovely time!